Sunday, April 1, 2012

Top ten indications you are the worst mother—ever.


(My words delivered on April Fool's Day at a baby shower for two first-time expectant women.)

 10. Baby’s bottom is red, white thrush spots decorate the interior of her mouth, and her face looks like she had an encounter with barbed-wired from her too-long fingernails that you miserably failed to trim. Yes. You truly are the world’s worst mother—ever.

9. Your baby won’t sleep, the house is a mess, and your husband decides to enter into a sexual feeding frenzy. You really aren’t feeling that. Yes. You truly are the world’s worst mother—ever.

8. Your baby is whimpering and you have the audacity to stay seated with your cup of java. Yes. You truly are the world’s worst mother—ever.

7. Baby is a two weeks old. You put the little cherub in the crib and she is finally sleeping. Instead of doing the laundry—by hand, on a washboard, outside, in your frock and with a bandana wrapped around your head—you decide to nap as well. Shame on you. Yes. You truly are the world’s worst mother—ever.


6. The stack of diapers, so neatly folded and arranged artistically on the shelf before baby came home from the hospital, along with all the other baby-changing supplies in the wonderfully adorned nursery, now looks like a great wind from the northwest blew in overnight. Yes. You truly are the world’s worst mother—ever.

5. Your baby is sleeping and you actually vacuum the family room, pick up the phone when its loud ring tone sings out “You’re nothing but a hound dog,” and empty the dishwasher, pots and pans clattering in the process. Yes. You truly are the world’s worst mother—ever.

4. Your baby poops while you are bathing him. You accidentally throw the baby out with the bathwater. Yes. You truly are the world’s worst mother—ever.

3. You take your baby, who could easily win a Gerber modeling contract, to church and later stop in at Wal-Mart on the way home. You actually allow the adoring masses to touch his cute little fingers and wiggling tootsies. You didn’t even think about sealing the child into the Baby Bubble Capsule for the ultimate in protection. Yes. You truly are the world’s worst mother—ever.

2. You have fleeting wishes that you could return your “Gift from God” and snag a hefty refund. Yes. You truly are the world’s worst mother—ever.

1. You smile politely, nodding your head in agreement when other mothers generously offer valuable words of wisdom on how to parent—and then you decide to ignore them all and do what you know is best for your child. Yes. You truly are the world’s worst mother—ever.
  
If you ever find yourself guilty of these infractions or a plethora of others, CONGRATULATIONS! You are one of us! You have just joined  the billions of mothers who have come before, that, at one time or another, feel like the world’s worst. Don’t worry about it. This too shall pass.

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